Assessing the View of that Greener Pasture

By Melissa Perrin, Psy.D.

Well, he’s done it once again, even though you’ve told him how upsetting it is to you. Or, perhaps, she didn’t do it despite the fact that she knows how important that was. And the thought comes – not because it’s an easy out but because there really must be a better way to live.

 
We’ve all thought it: “I can’t stand how I feel in this relationship. I’m done.”

This thought is usually followed by (note all that apply):

• I’m sick of being treated this way.
• I’m worth more than this.
• I’m not appreciated.
• I’m alone all the time anyway.
• My youth is being wasted.
• I don’t want to be with anyone anyway.
• I’m not safe.

Many will take this exercise further, thinking, “When I’m out of this arrangement…” (again, note all that apply):

• I won’t ever have to deal with him/her again (or as much).
• I will get my kids a better father/mother.
• I’ll be able to date a lot (free babysitting with visitation to the other parent)
• I’ll feel so much:

1. Better
2. Happier
3. Freer
4. Safer
5. Appreciated

• My kids will be happier.
• I can start over and pick a better (smarter, richer, cuter, more empathic, or loving) partner.

And wouldn’t it be nice if these fantasies could come true? That the only consequences of a divorce were positive? Truth be told, there are positive consequences to a divorce. These are equaled by the negative consequences of divorce. The secret to having the positives outweighing the negatives is to be proactive and willing to explore one’s own foibles and strengths with the same intense focus used to explore one’s partner’s strengths and foibles.

In the same vein, exploration of the accuracy of one’s hopes must equal the strength and concentration given those hopes. Take a look at a report given by those who have gone before you into the break up and divorce arena.

 

Fantasy #1: I won’t have to deal with my partner as intensely ever again.

Actually, divorce is simply Phase II of marriage – especially if children, a business, mutual friends, or assets are involved. Be aware that divorce will not end the relationship.

Divorce will give you three things:

• A financial agreement.
• A housing agreement.
• A calendar to plan visitation, vacations, and holidays.

The relationship continues. You will meet up with your ex-partner at parties, funerals, graduations, weddings, and other life events. If you have children, you are likely to have as much (and often more) contact with your (ex)partner in order to work out scheduling, parenting issues, and money. This is almost always stressful since communication has usually broken down so dramatically that divorce is an option.

I often advise my clients to work on problematic issues with their partners before the divorce. It is harder to work or to improve relationship styles and communication when divvying up property, assets, and time with the children.

Divorce brings up quality of life issues for everyone:

• Where will I live?
• How much money will I have?
• Will my needs be met? (Will my wants be met?)
• Will I matter to anyone?

For those of you reading this and thinking: “Sure, Melissa – I’ve tried to get my partner to work on these things and it hasn’t worked – that’s why I want out!” Let me gently but urgently suggest that you then work on improving your own style of managing the problematic issues. I suggest the “You Spot It, You Got It” system.

 

For example:

• If your spouse is disrespectful of you, take a look at how respectful you are of your spouse.
• If your spouse seems to rationalize poor treatment of you, take a look at how often you rationalize your poor treatment of your spouse.

You get the idea. It has been my experience that when one partner begins this change the other partner will make a shift also. Sometimes the shift is toward the relationship and sometimes away from it. Either way, you have much needed information about the viability of your relationship as well as the benefit of knowing yourself better. This knowledge prepares you for a healthier relationship with your partner, or, if divorce is imminent, in your next partnership. Remember that this work will be beneficial in all of your other relationships too. It’s a win-win situation!

 

Fantasy #2: I’ll get my kids a better father/mother.

Well, truth be told, you can’t do anything about this one – only the father/mother of your children can work this one out. That parent is your child’s other parent 'til death do them part and even after death the relationship will continue to be an intense one. For better or for worse, you chose your child’s other parent. There was a reason for that choice. If you explore your original choice you will find a gold mine of information. You’ll find out who you were, what your expectations were (and still are?).

You may even discover how similar you and your child’s other parent are. This is key. Notice those things about your partner that are truly annoying to you. List them out – be sure to use all the details so that your list is very specific. If you are like most of us, many of the items on that list are things that you do too. You now have terrific information on things within your personality and choice frame [Huh? Don’t understand “choice frame” maybe “past choices”] that you can work with in order to be a better mother/father. None of us are without flaws. We just see them in others more clearly since they are easier to view outside of us.

 

Fantasy #3: I’ll be able to date a lot more freely.

Yes, divorced parents do seem to have it easy. Free nights and weekends (every other one) without having to pay for a sitter. Easier to date, easier to have free time. Looks inviting.

The truth of the matter is, with most divorce arrangements, parents do get “down time” more predictably than those who are married. (And it is just as fiercely negotiated by married and divorced couples!) The standard visitation arrangement is every other weekend (Friday evening to Sunday evening) and one night mid-week with one evening dinner/homework time. Looks great on paper, well, at least it looks manageable. Truth be told, many parents look forward to their weekend by themselves.

Depending on family dynamics, the age of your children, and scheduling, these weekends may or may not materialize. Kids often have commitments on weekends or friends they want to be with. There are scouting events, bar and bat mitzvahs, parties, sports events, and homework. Your co-parent’s (ex-spouse’s) need to travel, work, and have their own commitments. And then, what do you do if and when your children refuse to go with the other parent (or refuse to come home). On another topic, sick children may need or want to come home when they are sick and may still need you to intervene. In short, be prepared to continue paying for the sitter regardless of how your marriage works out. The children will be with you and visible much of the time.

 

Fantasy #4: I’ll be so much Fill in the Blank.

Ah. This one depends on you and you alone. Before I move into this, however, let me address safety issues. If you are in an abusive relationship (physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally), you and your children will be safer out of the relationship. Almost all parents worry about the statistics and outcomes of divorce on their children. All of our research demonstrates that divorce is painful and stressful for children of all ages; it is “better” to work on the marriage and attempt to heal it than to leave the marriage and add the stress to the family members. The caveat to this is when a partner is abusive and/or is a habitual addict.

We now know that when a parent is abusive or in a significant addiction cycle and cannot come to sobriety, it is far better for the family not to live with that parent. For some, this translates into divorce, for others it translates into long-term separation. Getting out of the relationship, and out of the home, is the most dangerous time for someone living with an abuser. You may need more help than lawyers and mediators. Some will need a safe house or shelter; others will simply need a network of witnesses as they move through their daily life. If you are in a dangerous situation I recommend these safety considerations:

 

• Be willing to be assertive in your own self-rescue.

• Be aware of the nearest exits where you are. If there are no exits, find a room with a locking door.

• Have a change of clothes for you and your children in a place outside of your house that you know of and can get to in an emergency.

• Have a spare set of identification cards (passports, State IDs) money, a credit card, and a spare set of car keys (or access to other transportation) with your clothes.

• Have the police and domestic violence hotline numbers on your speed dial. Keep your cell phone charged.

• Talk with friends and family to locate a safe house to go to; for some this will mean a shelter. Be aware of all of the shelters in the area and how to access them. Call your Village Hall to find this information. Many villages and cities have social service workers who can help you find this information.

• Understand that s/he may have their reasons for the abuse but you do not need to be their outlet – even if you feel responsible.

Now, for those of you who are simply looking to feel better, happier, and freer: This depends entirely on you and the shifts you make. Many of us would much prefer our difficulties to be external, to have the cause of our pain to be outside of ourselves. Take a minute and review your discomfort. Then ask yourself these questions:

• Is this situation repeated in other relationships? Past? Present? At work? At home? With your children? With your parents and siblings?

If yes, think about the fact that you are the consistent piece that links the repetition whether through choice, circumstance, or behavior. There is something to look at and adjust within yourself.

I know many people who have the hope that a divorce will stop their spouse from “walking all over” them. When we look at their hopes, they often rest on the other person “understanding that they can’t do it anymore.” Ask yourself why they would behave any differently in the divorce than they have in the marriage? During the divorce process, which is different from the actual divorce, there are lawyers, psychologists, mediators, judges and sometimes Guardian ad Lidums for the kids watching and monitoring all behavior, and sometimes intervening. When these parties are gone and decisions have been made, the relationship returns to just the two of you engaging in and enforcing the agreements. Divorce offers many opportunities to set, hold, and ignore boundaries. If the boundary muscles weren’t strong in the marriage they won’t be strong in the divorce unless you actively work on building them up.

Building up the boundary muscles is simple: set a goal and begin with light lifting. Set a simple time boundary (such as dinner will be served at 6:00, ready or not here it is) and hold it. Serve dinner at that time even if the family, unaccustomed to exact timing on dinner, saunters in or complains about not being ready. Do a couple of reps with this boundary and see how it feels. Begin to set some other simple boundaries and practice using these muscles. The practice will generalize to other issues. Be aware of your self-talk and notice how you talk yourself out of practicing. Many folk use rationales such as: “This one time won’t hurt,” “I’ll hold it next time,” and “They won’t listen to me.” (Note: a boundary can be held even if others don’t pay attention to it. You cannot control the behavior and choices of another. Do pay attention to the boundary violation as this gives you data that you can use when setting the next boundary.)

 

Fantasy #5: I can start over and pick a better (smarter, richer, cuter, more empathic, or loving) partner.

Yes. You can. If you have done the work necessary to invite and welcome such a partner, and if you have done the work to be such a partner. Spend as much time fine-tuning your relationship skills as you do going to the gym (and thinking about what needs to change in your partner). Remember the “You Spot It, You Got It” technique from earlier? This technique is a jumping off point for all of us. We may or may not share the same fault; looking at the picture this way illuminates our own areas that need work. For every thought you have about your partner’s failings be sure to think about the improvements you need to make and are making to become a better partner yourself. Take steps necessary to work though those “tapes” and expectations you have that nothing will work out for you, that all the good ones are taken, that you have to work harder than others to be happy, that you won’t ever be able to do better even though you want to. Before you spend money on a lawyer, go to therapy, a spiritual director, meditative yoga, rehab, or other self-awareness treatments. Work on your insides before you change your outsides.

 

Fantasy #6: My kids will be happier.

Nope. Not likely. Divorce is truly one of the most devastating and life altering events that anyone of any age can experience. Adults struggle throughout the divorce process and for a couple of years after (even if he looks like he’s rebounding fine), children will too. Kids need to work through the same issues you do: grief, anger, relief, hope, loss, hurt, and disappointment. They will learn, as you will, time management, efficient packing techniques, and multi-tasking. They will adjust to being nomadic: having more than one home, each of which offers something different and special but always knowing that they will move again. Will they adapt? You bet. Are they resilient? All of us are to a point.

Resilience for children and adults is based on many factors. These include personality style, varying degrees of fragility, ability to rely on a home base (whether concrete or abstract), secure attachment to parents, and a supportive environment. All of us are resilient – it is in our natures and is a significant survival tool. We have overestimated children’s resilience capacities because they adapt to us grown ups so well. Simply understand that during the divorce process and post-divorce, resilience for adults and children alike is challenged and stretched. This is neither good nor bad. Life itself challenges our resilience whether or not divorce occurs.

Kids have the added difficulty of having the divorce decision thrust upon them. Whether or not they understand the reasons behind the divorce, they will struggle with hope that the parents will reunite, experience relief that the tension in the household is lessened, experience fear that nothing will work out, and have wishful thinking about that other family over there that doesn’t have any problems. Further, they carry out the actuality of the divorce by shifting between homes throughout the week.

Divorce brings out lots of advice from others to adults and children. It brings up survival issues for people of all ages: where will I live? How much money will there be? Will I get to spend time with mom/dad/grandma/uncle Bill? Do I have to see mom/dad/grandma/uncle Bill? Will I get to spend time with my friends? Can’t they just grow up already? And those ever present fears of being unlovable, disposable, and unimportant. And this is with the less combative divorces.

I am often asked if divorce is “the right thing to do.” I have several answers to this question. The first and most immediate answer is: Only you can make that decision. No one else should tell you how to manage that question. No else has all of the facts and experiences that you do. If you think divorce is the answer, that is correct. If you think that divorce is not the answer, that is correct also. There are agreements that we each make in committed relationships that another couple would never agree to. Knowing that, how can anyone else contribute to or make this decision for you?

Another answer that I have to this question is: I am not for or against divorce. After all, I am a divorced mother myself and have worked with couples and individuals for years in varying states of marriage, commitment, separation, divorce, and remarriage. A committed relationship is a difficult thing to manage over the years. Every healthy couple I know has, at some point, discussed divorce in some way or another.

The third answer I offer is: If the relationship is untenable now, can separation help? Remember that separation does not always end in divorce (nor do all divorce situations). Sometimes a separation, with significant work by both members of the couple, will work wonders for a marriage. At the very least it will answer many questions.

Ultimately only you can decide where your side of the relationship is going. The fantasies discussed above are very common when divorce is being considered. I am a real believer that knowledge is power. The information from those who have gone before can be used to make your relationship (whether divorced or married) a healthy one from your side. It is important to weigh the proverbial costs and benefits listed above. The most important message I can give you is this: divorced or married, know yourself, take responsibility for your own happiness, and you (and your children) will prosper.

 

Melissa Perrin, Psy.D., is a Chicago Healers.com (www.chicagohealers.com )

practitioner, Psychologist, 12 Step Emotional Recovery Counselor, Retreat Leader and Consultant (http://www.chicagohealers.com/interviews/mperrin.html)

 

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